Lighting up the Shadows

and stuff

2003-09-16T11:39:00.000-05:00

Your Name: April Marie Jones
Your Date of Birth: 09/16/1980
Your Question or Information:

Past

Ing - Fertility, successful conclusion to issue or situation, ending one cycle and beginning another.

Present

Thurisaz - Beginning new projects, luck-the hand of fate helping you, protection, the hammer of Thor, opening gateways.

Future

Perdhro - Unexpected gains, hidden secrets coming to light, discovering that which has been lost, spiritual evolution.

Cast the runes here:
Rune Caster

Are you a Seme or Uke?

TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY!!!

Evra' body CELEBRATE!!!! ;;grins;;

How things do change in a few days time...

2003-08-24T15:28:00.000-05:00

Your Name: April Marie Jones
Your Date of Birth: 09/16/1980
Your Question or Information:

Past

Ehwaz - Abrupt changes, moving into new home and environment, travel, swift change in situation.

Present

Tir - Victory, leadership, success over other competitors, increase in finances, virility and passion (especially for men).

Future

Ing - Fertility, successful conclusion to issue or situation, ending one cycle and beginning another.

Cast the runes here:
Rune Caster

How appropriate

2003-08-20T22:04:00.000-05:00

Your Name: April Marie Jones
Your Date of Birth: 09/16/1980
Your Question or Information:

Past

Mannaz - Cooperation, teamwork, collaboration, help and aid from others, beginning new projects, especially with others.

Present

Ing - Fertility, successful conclusion to issue or situation, ending one cycle and beginning another.

Future

Sigel - Victory, power, strength, health, the rune of the sun, vitality, drive to work and produce.

Cast the runes here:
Rune Caster

and just for giggles:

What Gundam Wing Character Are You?

A talk

2003-08-20T00:59:00.000-05:00

I talked with him today, after close. It's going to be soon, I think.

And then, where will I go? What will I do? I want to stay here in Lawrence, but I don't know if that's feasable. Imoto, darling, I've been told you can move out of your parents house at age 16...but I'm thinking it's with their permission. I don't know that they would be willing to do that for you. So, as much as I'd like to have you come live with me in a brand spanking new (to me) apartment, I don't know how feasable that really is. 'Course, you can always come stay the night whenever you want.

But I said things I've been wanting to say for a bit now, things that have been on my mind. Told him that if I did leave, it was my choice. With no influences from anyone. Because, really, there haven't been. We've been drifting apart and it's going to soon come to a head.

But I told him I wouldn't leave; that I wasn't going to be the one to leave. When it comes time, I will be prepared for him to leave me, and for another girl. He knows he has a dependency issue, but I don't think he's ready to face it yet.

Add to that a penchant for verbal abuse. An occasional blow (usually to my arm, which is pretty tough now). Maybe throw in a dash of my already lower-than-it-should-be self-esteem. What a wonderful mix that makes.

It's going to happen. I just wonder if it's going to happen before or after my birthday.

An event which is coming up soon. Send your supportive energies my way, for I may need them.

See the me I want to be.....

My web of personal lies

2003-08-18T21:47:00.000-05:00

I find I'm asking "Why?" a lot, lately. And the answer isn't always easy to hear, or say, or admit to myself.

Why do I let him get to me?

Why does he diss on my intelligence, when I know I'm a more intelligent person than he tries to tell me I am?

Why does he say the things he does to me, whether or not he knows they'll hurt me?

Why do I let this continue down it's destructive path?

And the answer is: I don't know. I don't know why he does the things he does. I don't know why I do the things I do. I don't know why I can't get out of this hole I've painted myself into. I try and try, but nothing seems to do the trick.

Maybe I should just leave things be for a while longer? No, because that's what I've been doing. Yet, I don't know what actions to take. Or, if I do, I don't have the guts to follow through.

Why would anyone want someone as damaged as I am, anyways?

I'm no good to the world, but to take my own life would be selfish. And we all know that this Cat is not selfish. At least, not like that. I will not have friends and family weeping over my departed soul. So I stay and I persevere. I think that's all I can do right now.

And still I ask "Why?"

See the me I want to be.....

And the walls come crumbling down

2003-08-17T19:23:00.000-05:00

One life builds up, blooming in beauty.

One life crumbles, withering away into nothingness.

But that second life, knowing the first, wishes not to let it's withering affect the blooming. But somehow, the blooming life knows the second life is falling apart, and tries to do things to help save it.

But the only one who can save this second life is the one who owns this second life.

But what can I do?

See the me I want to be.....

Behold, the power of Love

2003-08-17T15:30:00.000-05:00

Her heart started to break, and then he came to rescue the damsel in distress.

And rescue her he did, too! They rode off into the sunset, the world leaving them be in their love.

I'm happy for you now, love. Peace be for you in your life, and may you forever get your desires.

Remember me when you are famous, imoto. ;;smiles;;

Why must life be this way?

2003-08-16T19:06:00.000-05:00

Why should I have to watch one of my best friend's heart break, when the world should bow low to her? Life is not fair, and I resent it for not being so. She's the type of person one would wish only the best for, and work hard to attain it for her. The type of friend that you want to take away the pain when she gets hurt.

And not out of pity, but out of a deep love and friendship bond that holds the two of you together. Because you want to save her from the world that isn't fair knowing that unfairness could and will destroy her in the end. Because she is so grand. Because she lets her walls down for love. Because she is independent and uncaring about her independence. Because I want to be her.

Why? So, in my fashion, I can ease the hurt, take away the pain, that life will throw at her. She will be cut, she will bleed, and she will still go on, stronger than before, but feeling weaker. And I want to be the one there to catch her if she falls. I will be her wall, her pillar of strength, her confidant and her companion.

I just hope she realizes this.

If I had her password, I'd put this in her blog. Then I'd know for a fact that she recieved it and that my point would be clear to her.

So, Mon Petite Femme, my IMOTO, should you read this, you know that I have your back. I'm here to support you, for you are my little sister, and that makes you mine. Like you, I take care of my own.

I love you, Jen.

What is me?

2003-08-13T01:38:00.000-05:00

I work my tail end off. I don't get paid. My current S.O. is a bitch (and he openly admits it). My life isn't what I want it to be. I'm 22, soon to be 23 in a little over a month.

And what do I have to show for it?

Nothing much, really. ;;sighs;; Ah, but I did not arrive here and post here to bitch and whine (would you like cheese with that?). No, I thought I'd actually throw some good stuff up here in the form of writing. But first, some good news updates.

A while back, I drew D'can's HPN character, Faol. I have as yet to get it scanned, but as soon as I do, he's gonna get a copy of the inked image. And then he'll get another copy - this time in color. Well, Jen's HPN character decided she wanted to pose for me, so I drew her the other night. Inked her, too. So when I get her scanned, Jen'll recieve a copy of the inked image. And then another copy - in living color. And of course, since Faol and Samiae are sorcerers and MY HPN character is half-sorcerer, Marelle begged to be drawn as well. I'm in the process of inking her. When I get her done and scanned, I might put her up here, on my blog. Same as when she's in color. But I don't know yet. We'll have to wait and see.

And now..I think some writing is in order.

{Story}

I smile because I've nothing better to do. No better emotion to show, no better mask to wear. We all play our parts in this thing called life. You play the angsty young woman, the hopeless romantic. He'll play the depressive goth whose true path is lost, but waiting for him to find it again.

I'll play the Joker, the fool, the comedian. If I can't make you laugh, then you must be dead.

I chose this mask years ago, when the quiet girl I used to be - the bookworm - decided to grow up a bit. I can never remove this mask, not for the rest of my life. It's the path I have chosen, the path that is destined to make me who I will be. Your part is less permanent. His is too. But mine will be with me for life.

For I am the Joker, the Trickster, the Fool. And I will make you laugh, even as I weep.

{/Story}

Gahh....sorry, sorry....it wasn't s'posed to be so.....angsty. I guess it's just because I'm so very tired. I'm gonna update a few other "blogs" of mine, then perhaps Dreamland will be awaiting my visit.

See the me I want to be.....

Dat's me in a nutshell!

2003-08-05T00:26:00.000-05:00

What Type of Villain are You?

mutedfaith.com.

Find your Role-Playing
Stereotype at mutedfaith.com.

Do this for me...

2003-07-28T00:52:00.000-05:00

Hehe...hey, check this out! ;;grins;; I found it in my wanderings online, put in a few names, then finally decided to put in this one. D'can, tell me what you think!

The haxor handle of Faol Torrun is "Co0l H@xx0r".

also:

The haxor handle of Duncan Green is "Termin@l Vampyr".

hehehe....and here's to me!

The haxor handle of Marelle Johanaston is "Ac1d Maniac".

and:

The haxor handle of Aprylle Jones is "R@pid H@xxor".

I'm amused! ;;grins;;

Test Results

You think of yourself as being Beautiful, Elegant, Dangerous, and Calming.

Others think of you as being Sleek, Cunning, Dexterous, and Gregarious.

Your relationships can be described as Vast, Clean, Cool, and Refreshing.

When stressed, you feel Insane.

Take this test here.

My personal dilemma

2003-07-23T21:52:00.000-05:00

How do I get myself into sticky situations like this? It's almost horrible, really.

I'm with a guy. I make a friend. She introduces me to her cousin. Sorta. More like, she and I are on a message board and she needs some "rescuing", so she calls up on her cuz who also happens to be on the same boards. A bit more of a complicated portion of story ensues, and our characters fall for each other. Mine and her cousin's, not mine and hers. We actually have gotten to know eachother off the boards, as well.

And he's fallen for me.

Herein lies my predicament:

I like him. I really really like him. If I let myself, I could fall for him as well. But (and this is a VERY large "but")...I have a boyfriend already. Who I love madly. At least, I think I do.

Also, this young gent who's heart I hold is about 7-ish years younger than I. Not that age matters in affairs of the heart, but laws dictate our world, not the heart. Unfortunately.

But anyhow.....I probably shouldn't have put that here, but I need to get it off my chest, so to speak, and here was a better place than some.

So, yes.

See the me I want to be.....

2003-07-19T16:04:00.000-05:00

So now that I have a blog spot, i'm not sure what to do with it. Let's see if i can keep up with it, as well as i keep up with my other online journals.